Tuesday, February 26, 2008

sin cycle: rinse, repeat (revisited); and more...

Somehow in the last year or so I got myself stuck in a pattern of thinking it was a good Christian thing to do to reflect constantly on what a horrible sinner I am and how many mistakes I make at everything.

And, some of the time, it is.

But the problem with this way of thinking is that it's awfully, horribly, debilitatingly self-centered. Smotheringly introspective. Always apologizing, never changing. In some ways dishonoring to the justifying, sin-obliterating work of Christ.

So, still a lot to learn in this area, but I am grateful to be on the path of learning.

In other news, this semester is certainly the best so far (except maybe for the year in Spanish at GWC; I still miss my professor). It's much more demanding than my two semesters as an HCom major, but that's because I'm actually learning new and useful things. And memorizing a lot. And hardly doing any reading or writing in English. Which is all good.

The only downside is that I think some kind of language regulator in my brain is having spasms. The totally wrong [English] word keeps coming out, mostly where nouns are concerned.

I'm also wishing that I had not wished to have more bizarre dreams. Last night the general theme of the two dreams I had was "blood." A secondary theme would be "and guts." I'm not sure if this should be attributed to watching too much Columbo over Christmas break, or spending a lot of yesterday thinking about violence in the Middle East, explosive devices, amputations, plane crashes, and nuclear missiles. Probably a combination of the two. It was not fun.


becky said...

I guess I think it is good to reflect on what horrible sinners we are when we then turn our thoughts to what a gracious and merciful act God did when He saved us. I guess my heart sings with joy and thankfulness when I see what a great redeeming work the Father did on our behalf. When it says in the Bible "restore to me the joy of my salvation".....Ps. 51......having joy over my salvation came to me when I realized what a terrible sinner I was and how Christ graciously redeemed my soul when I did absolutely nothing to deserve it. He didn't grant me salvation because of who my parents were, because of how good I had been, etc. He granted me salvation because He loved me even though I didn't deserve love. So joy over my salvation comes from the fact that I was a terrible sinner (still am) but Christ redeemed me. So then my thoughts turn to others (especially in other countries where the gospel is not proclaimed). "If You had such mercy on me Father, please have mercy on them too. Because I certainly did nothing to deserve salvation."

mle said...

Hi Becky. I agree. Knowing the depth of what Christ's sacrifice saved us from brings immeasurable joy. I guess I struggle with the temptation to get stuck in the muck of what a mess I am naturally and let that keep me from joy. Sometimes it's a lack of faith that, considering the blackness of my heart, God's salvation covers me. Thank you for your encouragement!

becky said...

I guess growing up I was such a "good little girl" that it was difficult for me to come to the conclusion that I was an evil wretched sinner. I also thought for some strange reason that because my father was a minister I had "special grace". So for a long time I was in a mindset of lies. When God revealed to me that I was indeed a terrible sinner and that I didn't deserve salvation no matter who my parents were joy and gratefulness flooded my soul. I realized for the first time that salvation was indeed a gift that no one deserves. And because Christ saved me anyway I could truly take joy in my salvation. So I am grateful to think of myself as a horrible sinner because I realize now what Christ did for me. For the longest time I lived with lies in my head.