It was a good week. But once again thinking about it being "good" makes me tend more toward tears than laughter (like here and here and here). Partly, I think, because I'm know I'm not a good enough steward of what God has given me to bless Him with, and partly because tasting something good makes me somehow have a terrible homesick feeling for something better.
I have a sense of expectation that is like an itch. (Okay, so this is maybe not the most aesthetically pleasing metaphor.) And it doesn't go away.
A lot of the time I think "oh, this expectation comes from my desire to be a wife and mother. Once I reach THAT phase of my life, it will go away."
Other times (not half as often) I think "this expectation comes from my desire to find a job that suits me. So once I find THAT, it will go away."
Or I trace my expectation to an event. I really really really looked forward to our Good Friday and Easter services this week. And to our fast yesterday and breakfast today. Really looked forward to it. And spent a lot of time at church practicing music and getting ready. And as each thing ended, instead of being met with fulfillment the endings were met with -- strangely -- what feels like an even bigger sense of expectation. Sort of like, "no, that wasn't what you were looking forward to." Not that Friday and Saturday and Sunday early morning and Sunday mid-morning weren't exceedingly good. It wasn't that they were disappointing. They just weren't all.
Maybe this doesn't make sense.
I think this is the same feeling that would make me suicidal if I weren't following Christ. Nothing in this world is enough. Everything falls short. The bad and sad things make me homesick to see Him, and the good things make me homesick to see Him.
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us. For the earnest expectation of the creation eagerly waits for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it in hope; because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation groans and labors with birth pangs together until now. Not only that, but we also who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, eagerly waiting for the adoption, the redemption of our body. For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.
Romans 8:18-25
9 comments:
You're probably just one of those people (unlike #2) who prefers to think abstractly and, as a result, is always focused on possibilities and the future.
If this is the case, for you the imagined dream/vision/idea will always be more glamorous than present reality. And if you're looking for that settled/contented feeling then you'll never find it because our brains have adapted to experience life in real-time (the present).
Try to think of it as a personality type difference thing, though, rather than a sin thing despite the fact that this every day state of mind of yours, by its very nature, alienates you socially from the majority of the population (most people are present-oriented) and probably makes you feel like you went wrong somewhere along the way.
Anyway, I'd wish you well with finding whatever it is you're looking for, but I suspect that for you it's really not about the destination, nor will it ever be on this side of eternity.
This is most certainly a blessing and a curse.
Hm, wow. It feels weird to be psychoanalyzed.
What you describe in your second paragraph sounds like a great scientific explanation for the way my mind operates (and why I am so happy with the Snow Cone Theory).
But I think there's more to it than that.
If what Ecclesiastes 3:11 says is true (He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also He has put eternity in their hearts, except that no one can find out the work that God does from beginning to end.), the longing feeling makes a lot of sense (and, I'm guessing, isn't so unusual, although it's probably manifested in widely varying ways).
I liked the part about being alienated socially from the majority of the population, and it made me grateful that I seem to have found a lot of friends in the alien minority. Curiously, as I think through the friends who seem to understand this phenomenon, I find that they're all Christians serious about following Christ.
And when I pick up C.S. Lewis, or the apostle Paul, or King David, I find the same thing. So I think I know what I'm looking for -- Who I'm looking for. And I also know (from Hebrews 11) that pursuing Christ is to become a type of alien.
Can anybody help me out here?
Yes, that longing, correctly identified (by those who have met Him and want to follow Him) fits with Philippians 3:20, "For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ." Anyone who has lived in another country can relate; after experiencing another culture, there's no going home again -- there's always something missing. But for us, citizens of Heaven, going home to be with Him will fill the longing, and, while on earth, we'll only see reflections of the "perfect" Paul mentions in I Corinthians 13.
I've noticed the same thing as this "minority" seems to be composed highly of theologians, philosophers, pastors, ascetics, hippies, writers of Christian spirituality books (Max Lucado) and the like - people like me.
My main concern is that faith and doctrine are abstract concepts, and if this preference for dwelling on abstracts arises primarily from physical matter (i.e. your brain) then any efforts to convert the majority (both non-Christians and those less rebelutionary Christians) to your measure of faith will be futile - not because they hate God more than you but because they just aren't wired that way.
Please keep in mind that my assumption here is that personality type, which I would argue is directly correlated to the ability to grasp and truly appreciate the concepts/substance of faith, is a mere product of neuronal wiring patterns. I think from what we've learned so far about the brain regarding behaviors, emotions, and cognitive processes that this view is justified.
As far as my personal life goes, I'm still taken aback by all the ramifications of this, and now find myself hesitant to make pygmalion projects out of my friends and family who don't possess the same inborn traits that I have. It looks like you've chosen a similar adaptive strategy by only associating with your like-minded alien buddies.
Apparently God does show favoritism and you have to be born with a certain type of brain to be one of His true believers. I guess we lucked out, huh?
My advice:
Listen to mommy!
Emily, would you say your mom and uncle can relate to this state of mind "phenomenon" of yours, or, even though you're all believers looking forward to heaven, there's still a difference?
For example, in my Christian family the only other person that gets it is my dad. Mom's the nicest person in the world and sees God in her growing watermelons, but she definitely does not have that future sense of expectation you've described. Nor my brother, uncle, grampa, etc. The majority don't.
Very curious.
David,
I haven't come close in the slightest measure to running a scientific poll on the people I know, but I can say for certain that my mom and uncle and I are talking about the same thing.
There was a similar thread on the blog a few months back (http://futureinlaw.blogspot.com/2006/09/why-must-we-be-so-far-apart.html) that I think shows where my uncle is coming from.
Your perspective does make me curious to do some more asking around. In the meantime, Augustine is another one who seems to know what I'm talking about.
I am really boggled to imagine Christianity without a sense of hope and expectation.
Never let us underestimate the power of the Gospel and the power of the Holy Spirit to change, transform, empower and enlighten even 'those not wired that way'. In the end it's not about us! It's about the amazing God we serve Who is able to do His amazing awesome work in a person regardless of how they have been wired.
I believe that faith, doctrine, hope are not abstracts; they are realities implanted in our souls by a real and living God. Our God desires that we all be conformed to the image of His Son. And in that conforming, His love is worked out in and through our lives in real, concrete displays of compassion, kindness, and goodness to real people who are hurting, lonely and in need of a Savior.
Colossians 1:13-20
"He (Jesus) has delivered us from the power of darkness and conveyed us into the kingdom of the Son of His love, in whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or pricipalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. An He is before all things, and in Him all things consist. And He is the head of the body, the church, who is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in all things He may have the preeminence. For it pleased the Father that in Him all the fullness should dwell, and by Him to reconcile all things to Himself, by Him whether things on earth or things in heaven, having made peace through the blood of His cross."
It really is all about Jesus!
Now I really do need to get off this blog site. I need to call my mother and once again thank her for her faithfulness in raising my sister, my brothers and me in a Christian home and for loving Jesus in her wonderful, simplistic way.
I know this will be challenging since theology and psychology overlap in such intricate and complex ways that we still don't fully understand, but I think for this discussion to be productive it will have to stay on the psychology track only.
In this case I'm starting with the simple observation that the way a certain minority of people think is primarily future-oriented, abstract, and creative. Their sense of humor is commonly centered around plays on words, and making associations between different ideas and concepts comes naturally to them.
If you are one of these people then you already know you're special/unique/etc. and don't need to conduct a scientific poll to recognize the other few like you because you'll connect so well that it will be obvious.
So when I'm talking about "expectation" I don't so much mean the specific desire to go to heaven (which all Christians have), but a more general mindset that lives in the future, so to speak. This, I would argue, most Christians (and people in general) don't have.
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